His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
