So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
