I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
