my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
