I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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