Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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