Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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