This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
