i don't like sucking hair
Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
