my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
