i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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