question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
