My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
