so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
