i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
