You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
