Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
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