While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
