reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
