i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I just blew my weed a kiss
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
