One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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