her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
