I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
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