Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
organizing the empties. That sober.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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