The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
