your parents love me but you hate me
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize