They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
