I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
