Don't make out with my wife yet
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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