Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
They are going to name an STD after you.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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