why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
