I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
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