Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Randomize
