Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
