K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
