I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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