I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
