I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
