No stitches, just platelets and will power
So gin and wine won't be happening again
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize