No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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