there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
