did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
