How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
