i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
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