Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
