Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
