I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize