omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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