now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
