Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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