I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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