This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
