He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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