Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize