im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
soo... how was my night?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
