Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
did i walk over a car last night?
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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