My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
