if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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