My entire life is one complicated drinking game
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
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