Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
