Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
