I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
