I think I won the penis lottery.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
