I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
