He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
